The Products That End All Products or, Foods I Like – Kraft Peanut Butter

In this series, we explore products that are vastly superior and near perfect in every aspect, rendering its competition’s mere existence futile. (*Big ups to my good friend Mr. Brown who made me realize this all these years ago.)

One such product is Kraft Peanut Butter. You know the one. The one with the green, and the adorable little teddy bears.


The one with the industrial-strenght tinfoil on top. The tinfoil that, when folded in just the right angles, can be turned into a decent shiv.

I’m speaking of the “smooth” variety only. Fuck that crunchy shit. Fuck that natural shit with the oil on top. Fuck that “no sugar added” and the “low sodium/no salt added” shit and the pussies who eat it. Fuck all the other stupid brands – Kraft’s got this. So – not only did they create and master our national dish – they’ve owned the peanut butter game since 1960, yo!

I’m not sure what the PB  scene is like in other countries; so I’ll say that, in Canada at least, Kraft Peanut Butter is the only PB that is worth a goddamn.

Honorable Mention: Kraft PB w/ Honey (But it’s way overpriced, fuckers.)