Eating chips, for me, is a very private and intimate thing – like trying to lick the tip of my own penis.
As the years went on, us people we wanted more of everything, needed even. So, naturally, a few years back chips like these started to make their presence felt (both figuratively and physically) in all the major supermarket chains. As far as I can tell, only the house brands do it, which is kinda cool. And the clear winner here is Compliments Brand Extraaa! Ketchup Chips.
Now, just as when you explore (and experiment with) your body, eating a bag of these requires a good hour of private time. Whether the act itself is 00:00:30 (thirty seconds) long or 00.30.00 (thirty minutes), you need time for both recovery and reflection. Sometimes exhausting, often messy.
Upon returning to the homestead after buying my first (1st) couple of bags (2/$5.50 sensible!), I immediately retreat to the comfort of my kitchen, where I stand in front of the cupboard I’m supposed to be putting them away in and proceed to eat an entire bag. That’s right.
These “potato” chips are so jam packed with that thick red chemical dust that they completely saturate and take over the physical body of the “potato” that is apparently involved here. Sure, “the other guys do that” – an absolute moron would say, but the difference with them there Compliments chips is they’re consistently like that. Always. Forever and a day. The other guys? Hit or miss.
So I then retire to the boudoir with the second bag. I then proceed to eat those fucking chips with such a passion that it made my wife jealous. I lick, tweak, crack and stroke each one, letting the croustilles blow their tasty loads; first on my tongue, then eventually all over my mouth. There are dense concentrations of red chemical seasoning in the corners of my mouth, which I safeguard until the final stretch. I don’t really feel the tip of the fingers on my right hand (my feeding hand) on account of that new layer of yummy red pseudo-flesh, which I’m also saving for last. All the while doing this, I’m making an obscene amount of mouth noise, along with very low, hushed moans. It’s really something.
The further down I go, the more excited I get. It’s only natural. That’s where the good shit is! That’s the shit that almost hurts to eat, know what i mean? That blood red mixture of chemical, cooking oil and “potato” crumbs leaves me with a sore tongue the next morning, but a happy, vaguely painful feeling in my heart.
(Warning: This is the one (1) and only (1/1) time I’ve consumed two (2) bags of these “crisps” in a 24hr period (a day). If you have a tendency to be bothered by the sight of your poop being an alarming shade of red while marinating in what looks like a toilet bowl full of blood the next day – don’t do it. Save yourself a rather embarrassing trip to the ER, where you’ll be left to worry for 4-6 hours until you finally see the doctor. Then, when the doctor ask you if you’ve eaten anything different lately…)
Another thing? I never have any of the guilt or shame I usually get from eating too much garbage the night before. In fact I feel stronger, both physically and mentally. (I don’t. It’s the exact opposite of that.)
Anyway, when it comes to your “extra flavor” premium “ketchup” saturated potato chip, the other guys need to fuck off with that shit and stop trying. Sobeys Inc. has made the world’s finest (and sexiest?) ketchup chip in the land. I truly treasure them.