In 2016, Bologna (Pronounced “Baloney”) Is Still Something People Eat Willingly.


Seriously. Can we just retire Bologna or something? We all know there’s nothing in there that is of any more importance or benefit than tastier, less punishing alternatives – like, say, real meat.

The weird wax packaging. It’s huge dong shape. It’s contents (or “ingredients”) that were left a mystery for so many years. And even after the truth came out, people didn’t flinch. It’s still here and still selling.


When you crack open a Bologna (is that how you’d describe it?), you’re instantly greeted by a smell that isn’t really a smell. It’s more like a “nose flavor”l. Get-tu? A vaguely metallic aroma or something. It’s not good.

And the color….what fucking color is that? Nothing else in this world is that color.

As a child, I used to eat it raw. Absolutely. That was my jam. Most people enjoy frying it and leaving a smell in their house that lingers forever, causing their houses to have “that” smell. You know the smell.


Then, at the tender age of 15, I finally went out and did groceries by (and for) myself. That was the day I said goodbye to bologna. Forever.

Anything you eat with, near or on bologna should be considered a complete waste. Oh, you like cheese with your bologna? Way to completely disrespect cheese. Way to strip it from it’s value. Any benefit, be it flavor, texture or nutritional, is completely obliterated once it comes into contact with bologna. I’ve seen a leaf of fresh kale burst into flames once. My brother accidentally placed it on a slice of “welfare steak”, oblivious to the true power of bologna. It’s that serious.

My grandfather used to eat his bologna swimming in molasses. What the fuck was wrong with that man? I don’t think it’s any coincidence that he is dead now. Love you, Pepere!

Look, the depression is over, ok? Can we finally move on from bologna?  Can we all start raising the standards for cheap cuisine, just a little bit more? There’s other tastier, healthier and as economical options out there. Leave your house and explore. And while we’re at it, please leave the can of “Flakes Of Turkey” on the shelf. Thanks.

Fuck bologna!

As I leave you, here is Fear with their classic – “Beef Bologna”