What Happened To You, Nutella?

What’s going on here? Why is there all of a sudden an intense marketing push on re: Nutella, lately? Didja notice?

(FYI: Nutella is part of the Ferrero company. The good people who brought us Ferrero Rochers, Tic Tacs and Kinder Surprises, amongst other things.) 

Along with Fluff, Nutella used to be a sort of indulgence. Like “candy you can put on bread”, basically. Maybe it’s cause I grew up kinda poor, but we were lucky if we had peanut butter (or PB if you’re nasty), let alone that fancy shit.

Recently, my generation (X?) tried to convince the masses that Nutella has “benefits”, and is jam-packed with with wholesome goodness and stuff. Then this happened.lol Oops!

Somehow, I can’t make sense of how a product is good for you if it causes your teeth to scream out in pain.

Then these things…these “Nutella & Go” things showed up. You’ve seen them. And, let’s admit it, we all bought one. No shame in that. Nutella is delicious, y’all! I just sat at a bench and ate the Nutella with my finger while I fed the bread sticks to some ducks! (There were no ducks – so, littering.)

They also now have one with pretzels instead of “breadsticks”. Sure, why not?

Now as if you weren’t already jarred by this influx of Nutella branding, our beloved Tim Horton’s joined in, offering Nutella-filled donuts and pastries. WTF IS THIS?!?!?

NUTELLA HAS TINY COMPUTER CHIPS IN IT THAT TAKE OVER YORE BRANE! IT HAS FLUORIDE IN IT!!!!

But seriously, Nutella desperately trying to increase sales in North America (no thanks to the class action lawsuit, I’m sure) is funny. We’re a continent so fat, we’re literally slowly sinking it into the ocean.

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In closing:
You’re dead to me, Nutella. Getting all gimmicky and shit? You used to be all about a so-called “niche” market. Remember that? Then you jacked up your prices so only fancy boys and girls could enjoy you. Then, THEN, you were all “it’s good for you” and stuff to validate the insane price. Then, remember, a bunch of people sued you? For millions of dollars ($1,000,000)? Because you lied about it being healthy? Now I have to suffer from Logo Exhaustion because of it? Pfffft…

Fucking sell-outs. Gross.

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Anyway, I gotta go. The baby just took a shit and I can smell it from across the house.

Here, watch this.

Later.

/end

 

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