Oooh! A new product by President’s Choice! Uh…wait…
What in the world is this? Wtf is “Sour Gummy Lava“?
There are two people (2 idiots) to blame for this: The person who had the idea (Idiot #1) and the person who approved it (Idiot #2). Both work(ed) for Loblaws (maybe). They are (probably) aged 6 (six) and 7 (seven) years old, respectively.
There’s no way there was a huge demand for this unusual shit, nor did any rational, sane adult conceptualize it. Sour gummy worms and frozen yogurt? Gross.
SuperStore has a great collection of ice cream and frozen yogurt otherwise. That’s what makes this such an anomaly.
Out of curiosity, I bought a tiny tub of it. Naturally, my 7 year old lost her mind. “This is so fucking awesome dad!” she said. No. It is not awesome. It’s troubling.
So we open it and, unsurprisingly, it looks disgusting. What color is this? Is it radioactive or something? It’s the color (but not the flavor) of that banana flavored antibiotic we all used to take as kids. Nostalgia!
So, being cautious, I put two (2) tiny scoops in a cone and pass it on to my excited 7 y/o. She tries it. I study her face. Her body language. She says nothing. Doesn’t react. Nearly a minute goes by. She slowly turns around and heads into the living room. Ok.
Once again being cautious, I scrape up a decent amount in a spoon – making sure I got a little bit of both the ice cream (OK, frogurt) itself and those weird “gummy” chunks.
I gotta tell you – words don’t do justice to how gross it is. The ice cream’s (frogurt) flavor is similar to what (I assume) gummy candy dissolved in sour milk and bull semen would taste like. With extra sugar!
Then, there are the “chunks” or wtv. Holy Shiitake – what is this? The texture is that of cheap/melted/softened/pre-chewed gummy candy, caramel and granulated sugar. It’s like it was all just made up as they went along; all the gummy ingredients thrown together in a blender, ingested and then vomited into the vat of frogurt. It feels like an incomplete (or unrefined) product. A poorly executed, sick, demented and cruelly bad idea.
As I turn around from spitting this garbage out in the toilet, my daughter is standing there with her barely-touched frogurt (ice cream) cone. She looks sad.
“Here dad, I don’t like it. It’s really not good.” she says. “I’m gonna go lay down.” No father ever wants to live to see the day his children refuse ice cream.
So, if a child who, as of writing this, had never tasted a food she didn’t like suddenly finds one in this Sour Gummy Lava Frozen Yogurt – it’s saying something. She was so let down, she decided to go lay down. She’s 7 and it was 3pm.
Why even add the “sour” aspect? Just gummy by itself would be hell. Souring it up really just makes it worse. And I think the “granulated sugar” texture is actually the citric acid, which is also granulated. It’s the shit that coats “sour” gummy things. Either way, it’s wrong. Keep that shit out of my dairy products. Or dissolve it properly. Jeeeez.
This whole experience has given my brain a series of small strokes. “Can Not Compute“. Are Loblaws fucking trolling us with this? What do you guys think of this? Did you try it? Would you try it? Was it a good idea to begin with?
Target demo: Folks without taste buds, senile octogenarians.
0/10 would NOT bang.