The Worst Songs Ever Recorded #11 “Ascension Millennium” – Corey Feldman

Ok. Corey Feldman. We know him! He played Tommy Jarvis. He played the too cool Mouth in The Goonies. He was a teen heartthrob! Shit…1/2 (0.5) of The Two (2) Coreys! License To Drive was a great fucking movie. And overall, for a guy who really went through the Hollywood grinder from a young age, he seems pretty “normal” and likeable. Right?

Another thing we may (specifically, particularly) remember Corey for was his totally cool relationship with Michael Jackson. We’ll discuss that a little bit, but after the video.

Without further ado – Corey Feldman with “Ascension Millennium

Yeah, there’s little, yet too much to say here. Whatever CF is saying in this song sounds like some heavy shit.

Didja notice CF’s Goonies co-star, and the voice of Special Agent Oso (The Unique Stuffed Bear), Sean Astin make a cameo? Oh, yeah, he’s there! Oh, Rudy.

The Michael Jackson fetish he has is in full effect right here. He’s channelling Bad era MJ. The worst part is I can’t make out a word he says – so I did us all a favor and used the Google and:

Welcome to the dawn of everything you can become
You’ll remember the reason yet of why you’re here
But you can bet that they will let you
Had the chance to be the master of the dance
That you choose, right back to the floor
Where you will have the chance at more
Just by giving into groove to have the chance
You never move, you’re standing still up on the hill
It’s such a thrill you get the chills
The chance is nil, it’s gonna kill you in the end
You get bent out of shape, at this age, and escape

(Ascension Millennium) Ascension Millenium
(Ascension Millennium) You think you got the feeling and the soul is not
Believing
(Ascension Millennium) It’s Ascension Millenium
(Ascension Millennium) You got the feeling in your soul, you just got to
Let it go
(Ascension Millennium) It’s Ascension Millenium
(Ascension Millennium) You got the hold on to this, but God it’s trying
To give up
(Ascension Millennium) Ascension Millenium
(Ascension Millennium) Ascension Millenium

Be the best that you can be
With all you do and who you see
What is true for you and me
Times are hard and this is true, but you can edit it to you.
Cause this reality is only temporaripermanently
What you want, first you vanish and that’s scary but in my mind you’re
Always there
Giving peace and giving love, like the feathers of a dove.
You can lift your feet above and let it thrill you full of joy
Like a toy for your soul, so here goes.
Let it go now! Let it go now! Gotta go now!

(Ascension Millennium) Ascension Millenium
(Ascension Millennium) You think you got the feeling and the soul is not
Believing
(Ascension Millennium) It’s Ascension Millenium
(Ascension Millennium) You got the feeling in your soul, you just got to
Let it go
(Ascension Millennium) It’s Ascension Millenium
(Ascension Millennium) You got the hold on to this, but God it’s trying
To give up
(Ascension Millennium) Ascension Millenium
(Ascension Millennium) Ascension Millenium

(Ascension Millennium) Ascension Millenium
(Ascension Millennium) You think you got the feeling and the soul is not
Believing
(Ascension Millennium) It’s Ascension Millenium
(Ascension Millennium) You got the feeling in your soul, you just got to
Let it go
Ascension!

Now your time has almost come, when all emotions become one.
Instead of running from the gun we can relax and have some fun.
And as we’re swept onto the floor, open our hearts and spirits soar.
Our souls are held captive no more, like opening a magic door.
And now we face our biggest fear; finally learning why we’re here.
With all the music you will hear your destiny will suddenly
Become clear as a bell, there’s no hell, and no end.

Yyyyeeeeeeaaaaah!!! Like I said earlier, CF sounds like he’s singing some fucking truth! But unsurprisingly, it’s just vague, new-agey jibber-jabber.

And WHY is he trying to BE Michael Jackson? And he’s been doing this for years – and he’s absolutely terrible at it. Jesus Christ, Feldman! Bruno Mars has got this, OK? He must truly have no one that truly loves him. ‘Cause that person would have sat Corey down by now and shook this weird MJ shit right out of him.

He looks like a dong. Seriously. Look at ‘I’m! Are we supposed to believe that Mr. Feldman lives like this for real-real? I hope not.

And what’s the deal with going to bed in leather pants? (I want leather pants to go away forever, for everyone.)

Anyhauser, fuck the video. The fuck did we expect?

The song is terrible, guys. This is one of those rare occasions where, I believe, more people agree w/me than not. And that’s saying something, right?

/end

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