Happy Mother’s Day


Tell your mom how much you love her. Tell her you’re sorry for everything. About the drugs, the booze, the having sex with her friends, the fire that one time. For destroying every relationship she tried to have after your dad died/left her. For staying at home well into your 20s. For that tattoo.

For watering down her Peach Schnapps after replacing what you drank with water. Those burns in the carpet. For ruining her physically, mentally and financially.

For that time you lost your keys and came home drunk and busted through the door like an asshole, kicking it off its hinges, wood splinters flying all over the place. (Honestly, she shouldn’t have called the cops on you though. Talk about awkward!)

For leaving the shower on for 45 minutes while you wrecklessly explored your body,  inflating her water and power bill. (You did the math – your jerking off cost her an average of 14$/session throughout the years.) For bringing home those stray animals and people. For allowing those same stray animals and people to explore your body while drinking her booze with the shower on. For throwing up all over the house those times you stayed out all night drinking on a school night.

For stealing cigarette butts from her ashtray. For stealing money from her purse. For robbing her world of endless possibilities and replacing them with a black hole.

For making her worry that you might be suicidal, homicidal or homosexual. For being a real prick to her when she didn’t deserve it. For your heartless disregard for her feelings. For blaming her for shit. For losing it when she accused you of something you DID do, because you were an ignorant child.

After all that, she still talks to you. What a nutcase!


PS. You owe it to yourself to watch the cinematic ode to child abuse as campy fun! Do it today! With mom!